aaron's song

lost and broken
hopeless and lonely
im smiling on the outside
im hurt beneath my skin
my eyes are fading
my soul is bleeding
i try to make it seem ok
but my faith is wearing thin
so help me heal these wounds,
they've been open for way too long.
help me fill this hole,
even though this isnt your fault.
cuz im open
and im bleeding
all over your brand new rug.
and i need some one to help me sew them up
i only wanted a magazine
i only wanted a movie screen
i only wanted the life i'd read about and dreamed.
and now my mind is an open book
and now my heart is an open wound,
and now my life is an open soul for all to see.
but help me heal these wounds,
they've been open for way too long.
and help me fill this hole,
even though this isnt your fault.
cuz im open
and im bleeding,
all over your brand new rug,
and i need someone to help me...
so you come along,
i'll push you away,
then kick and scream for you to stay.
cuz i need some one to help me
to help me heal these wounds,
they've been open for way too long.
and help me fill this hole,
even though this is not your fault.
cuz im open
and im bleeding,
all over your brand new rug.
and i need someone to help me sew them,
i need someone to help me fill them,
i need someone to help me close them up.

its over

okay so maybe this blog post is a lil late but its over between me and aaron. shit and i thought he was the one. i was so sure that we would make it to a year. now we know how effective THAT strategy is. damn. and i was willing to change everything to keep him with me. but according to him, he had given me 11 months of chances. well it would have helped if you had told me, you BASTARD. lets list the excuses that he gave for making me break up with him:

1. im not a lefty, sam is. IM AMBIDEXTROUS!!!
2. im emo. duh. i have depression. you were supposed to HELP me get rid of it. not get rid of me.
3. im not energetic enough, sam is.
4. i dont smile enough. geez, read point 2.
5. im too serious about our relationship. he wants someone that he doesnt have to meet everyday or at all. like with vanessa, all he did was talk on the phone, and apparently, that was enough. BUT IT WASN'T, WAS IT? THE RELATIONSHIP ENDED. RELATIONSHIPS DONT WORK THAT WAY YOU FOOL!!!
6. he thinks that i'm in trouble with my friends because of him. aaron, you mean so much to me. i can work out those problems myself
7. according to him, smiling is a way of showing love. kissing isn't. how ironic.
8. he thinks that he would rather have a gf that is like his best friend. i could have been your best friend if you had let me.

i love/hate him so much. i really hate mondays cuz we broke up on that day. i slapped him on wednesday. i wanted to hurt him so much more. sooo so so so so much more. i want to beat him up. channel all my love for him in those punches. i want to kill sam. i am gonna hurt you so bad, baby, you are in for the ride of your life.

you know what? aaron even had the guts to tell me to not hurt her. there goes yet another knife to my heart. thank you. as if 13 billion aren't enough. its so sad that you are so immature. you're so beautiful. but you are my downfall. WHY? i don't need a reason to be angry at God. i would hate for you to make me be angry with Him.

but its my fault too. i refused to read the signs. i saw them, just refused to read them. i was scared of losing you like i did the first time. but after all the pain that you have brought me, i am numb towards any other pain. for that, you deserve a big thank you. and a right hook! thanks to you, i will never know when i've fallen in love again, if i ever do.

you say that i should go on the pill. i say no. i will never experience real emotion again. i need you to help me through this.

i guess you never really loved me. if you did, you would have told me about this problem and we could have fixed it. i wouldnt have had to crawl around, like a snake, thinking about you all the time.

but, baby, believe me. i meant what i said about everything in your life slip away. i'll make sure of it. all that you will have left is me.

aaron if you ever get to read this, here are three words for you to think about:

HOW COULD YOU?

I won't let you go

you know what? i woke up this morning and i realised that i only blog when i am feeling a rush of negative emotion. like anger, or sadness, or maybe even confusion. its so weird. we had a big fight on thursday...and he said that he didnt love me as much anymore. that hurts. alot. before that he said that he thinks that i dont love him. that hurt too. but i changed that thought already, whats harder is to make him love me the way that he did before. thats gonna be tough. but i'll do it. i'll quit being emo. thats gonna be a big part of my life gone out the window. cuz most of my inspiration comes from my anger and emo-ness.. i'll start smiling... that is what he wants right? i'll start taking initiative.. to prove that i really want this to work out. after all, its been almost a year. a year of having someone to love and care for. and a year of receiving that in return. a year of problems. a year of thinking that i was giving all i had when i wasnt. if i had been giving it all, i would have stopped emo-ing a long time ago cuz i know that he hates it. alot of people ask me if i regret meeting him because of all the pain that i have been going through. my answer? no. we've had ups and downs. like someone once told me, relationships are like mountains, they go up, and down, and when they go down, sooner or later, theyre gonna ave to go back up. so im staying here until it goes up. im am not just gonna let you go over this. i am going to make this change. i am going to change. jayden asked me last night "do you think its worth it?" i say..yes it is. i love him.