life is a fuckface

its been a while huh? all this anger locked up in me... i had to let it out.
it just makes it worse seeing him everyday.. it just reminds me of what i could
have... why dont i have it? fucking freeloader. i cant stand the way he pretends to care but actually doesnt.. he just wants me to think that he cares so that he gets a free cab ride every morning. ass hole.. do i really look that stupid? and i have a giant bruise on my back... thanks shawn!:)my life is a lie. my life is a lie. my life is a lie. lies make me me. its who i am and who i choose to be. im never letting anyone in ever again. unless its you. only you can unlock me. cuz strangely i feel that you and i actually have a connection. how odd. and yet i cant help but hate her. even though she doesnt know what she's done. or maybe she does. either way... i want to kill her. ohhh. and spineless chloe backed out of beating him up.. she cant bring herself to see him hurt. even though he's hurt her through and through.

I feel it eating in me, while you still drown me.
And cross the line over and over again.
It's all around me, now I'm here cause of you.


Now I'm falling, I'm falling out cause of you.
Now I'm falling, deeper into you.


Tired of hating myself; I can't let me cross the line for him.
I'm not me when I dream, there's someone else in me.
That I fear cause of you.


Now I'm falling, I'm falling out cause of you.
Now I'm falling, deeper into you.


I'm not me when I dream; I'm not me when I dream, anymore.
Because of you.
Now I'm falling, I'm falling out cause of you.
Now I'm falling, deeper into you.

aaron's song

lost and broken
hopeless and lonely
im smiling on the outside
im hurt beneath my skin
my eyes are fading
my soul is bleeding
i try to make it seem ok
but my faith is wearing thin
so help me heal these wounds,
they've been open for way too long.
help me fill this hole,
even though this isnt your fault.
cuz im open
and im bleeding
all over your brand new rug.
and i need some one to help me sew them up
i only wanted a magazine
i only wanted a movie screen
i only wanted the life i'd read about and dreamed.
and now my mind is an open book
and now my heart is an open wound,
and now my life is an open soul for all to see.
but help me heal these wounds,
they've been open for way too long.
and help me fill this hole,
even though this isnt your fault.
cuz im open
and im bleeding,
all over your brand new rug,
and i need someone to help me...
so you come along,
i'll push you away,
then kick and scream for you to stay.
cuz i need some one to help me
to help me heal these wounds,
they've been open for way too long.
and help me fill this hole,
even though this is not your fault.
cuz im open
and im bleeding,
all over your brand new rug.
and i need someone to help me sew them,
i need someone to help me fill them,
i need someone to help me close them up.

its over

okay so maybe this blog post is a lil late but its over between me and aaron. shit and i thought he was the one. i was so sure that we would make it to a year. now we know how effective THAT strategy is. damn. and i was willing to change everything to keep him with me. but according to him, he had given me 11 months of chances. well it would have helped if you had told me, you BASTARD. lets list the excuses that he gave for making me break up with him:

1. im not a lefty, sam is. IM AMBIDEXTROUS!!!
2. im emo. duh. i have depression. you were supposed to HELP me get rid of it. not get rid of me.
3. im not energetic enough, sam is.
4. i dont smile enough. geez, read point 2.
5. im too serious about our relationship. he wants someone that he doesnt have to meet everyday or at all. like with vanessa, all he did was talk on the phone, and apparently, that was enough. BUT IT WASN'T, WAS IT? THE RELATIONSHIP ENDED. RELATIONSHIPS DONT WORK THAT WAY YOU FOOL!!!
6. he thinks that i'm in trouble with my friends because of him. aaron, you mean so much to me. i can work out those problems myself
7. according to him, smiling is a way of showing love. kissing isn't. how ironic.
8. he thinks that he would rather have a gf that is like his best friend. i could have been your best friend if you had let me.

i love/hate him so much. i really hate mondays cuz we broke up on that day. i slapped him on wednesday. i wanted to hurt him so much more. sooo so so so so much more. i want to beat him up. channel all my love for him in those punches. i want to kill sam. i am gonna hurt you so bad, baby, you are in for the ride of your life.

you know what? aaron even had the guts to tell me to not hurt her. there goes yet another knife to my heart. thank you. as if 13 billion aren't enough. its so sad that you are so immature. you're so beautiful. but you are my downfall. WHY? i don't need a reason to be angry at God. i would hate for you to make me be angry with Him.

but its my fault too. i refused to read the signs. i saw them, just refused to read them. i was scared of losing you like i did the first time. but after all the pain that you have brought me, i am numb towards any other pain. for that, you deserve a big thank you. and a right hook! thanks to you, i will never know when i've fallen in love again, if i ever do.

you say that i should go on the pill. i say no. i will never experience real emotion again. i need you to help me through this.

i guess you never really loved me. if you did, you would have told me about this problem and we could have fixed it. i wouldnt have had to crawl around, like a snake, thinking about you all the time.

but, baby, believe me. i meant what i said about everything in your life slip away. i'll make sure of it. all that you will have left is me.

aaron if you ever get to read this, here are three words for you to think about:

HOW COULD YOU?

I won't let you go

you know what? i woke up this morning and i realised that i only blog when i am feeling a rush of negative emotion. like anger, or sadness, or maybe even confusion. its so weird. we had a big fight on thursday...and he said that he didnt love me as much anymore. that hurts. alot. before that he said that he thinks that i dont love him. that hurt too. but i changed that thought already, whats harder is to make him love me the way that he did before. thats gonna be tough. but i'll do it. i'll quit being emo. thats gonna be a big part of my life gone out the window. cuz most of my inspiration comes from my anger and emo-ness.. i'll start smiling... that is what he wants right? i'll start taking initiative.. to prove that i really want this to work out. after all, its been almost a year. a year of having someone to love and care for. and a year of receiving that in return. a year of problems. a year of thinking that i was giving all i had when i wasnt. if i had been giving it all, i would have stopped emo-ing a long time ago cuz i know that he hates it. alot of people ask me if i regret meeting him because of all the pain that i have been going through. my answer? no. we've had ups and downs. like someone once told me, relationships are like mountains, they go up, and down, and when they go down, sooner or later, theyre gonna ave to go back up. so im staying here until it goes up. im am not just gonna let you go over this. i am going to make this change. i am going to change. jayden asked me last night "do you think its worth it?" i say..yes it is. i love him.

...

where were you?when i needed you the most.goddamn.i feel so fucking spineless but thats just what i am.

Waking up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had its say
I guess I feel alright

But it hurts when I think
When I let it sink in
It's all over me
I'm lying here in the dark
I'm watching you sleep, it hurts a lot
And all I know is
You've got to give me everything
Nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' over everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
And I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

All I wanted was to know I'm safe
Don't want to lose the love I've found
Remember when you said that you would change
Don't let me down
It's not fair how you are
I can't be complete, can you give me more?
And all I know is
You got to give me everything
And nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' over everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
and I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

Oh please, you know what I need
Save all your love up for me
We can't escape the love
Give me everything that you have

And all I know is
You got to give me everything
And nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' over everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
And I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

jamming rocked.hate mt swimming coach.my arms ache.not nearly as much as my heart.

i hate liars

fuck youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

fuck youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

fuck youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

i dont want this anymore.i want the perfect life that i had before.
the perfect boyfriend.the perfect family.the perfected happiness.

i thought you said that you weren't gonna do this anymore.i thought you said that you werent gonna make me hurt and bleed me anymore.maybe what they say is right.maybe you ARE too immature.i'd hate to believe it, but you are making me.yes,you are.and i hate it.but hate doesnt mean that i dont care does it?the opposite of love is indifference not hate.you changed once so you can do it again.

ahh.i dont know what to say to you anymore.except one word. "why?"

Don't tell me now
with a smile in your face
that you're lost down and out
When there was nothing left in me
You can't stop fuckin' with my head
Stop fuckin' with my head
My silence you break
The smile that you fake
There's not one thing that you can say to make it right
Unless you say "I'm leavin"
And if you're not...then please tell me why
Please tell me why you can't
Save face
Say it to my face
Can I take all the filth in your head
All the words that you said
And throw it away
You can't stop fuckin' with my head
Stop fuckin' with my head
My silence you break
The smile that you take away
There's not one thing that you can say to make it right
Unless you say "I'm leavin"
And if you're not...then please tell me why
Please tell me why you can't
That shit you're talkin' don't mean nothing to me anymore
Limp dick...you fuck stick...let's settle the score
Run and hide you know I'll find you anywhere
Motherfucker...two faced prick with hell to pay
What's real is real...it's time to step up to the plate again
Swing batter-batter, swing batter-batter, swing...
What's real is real...it's time to step up to the plate again
Swing batter-batter...fucked me for the last time!
Just take a swing...
C'mon...you should've taken that swing...
Just take your swing...
There's not one thing that you can say to make it right
Unless you say "I'm leavin"
And if you're not...then please tell me why
Please tell me why you can't
Swing...just take your swing...fuck you!
Just take your swing...You can't stop fuckin' with my head
Stop fuckin' with my head

i hate my life

i cant stand how life has a knack of making you think that everything is getting better then a few seconds later it slaps you in the face. whats worse is that the slap isnt a kind that just goes away and you forget about it. no, its the kind that leaves a mark for a few hours and that few hours in real life is a few months, years, maybe. i cant stand this. he's been messaging his ex on friendster and i cant take it for much longer. he didn't even tell me about it. i had to sneakily find out. i hate doing that but it seems to be the only way to protect myself, to prepare to get hurt. i guess, that way maybe it will hurt less in case anything happens. what it boils down to is that i am a spineless person. i guess i put on a tough image so that i can so-called hide my hurt. and he said that it was impossible that won the swimming competition. damn him. i want to slash now. i really do. it will make the pain go away. it will make the problems so much smaller. it will, most importantly, make him care. or at least make him feel the hurt that i feel. am i even ready for this? am i being unreasonable? maybe. but i just know that i wasnt like this before. i only became like this after we broke up the first time. and i really need a hug now. chrys? care to offer? (: and i just realised how sensitive nick is. i love NICK!!! hahaha... thanks for talking me through this man. you make so much sense for someone who hasn't been in a proper realationship. ahhh... i love chrys. i love NICKKK!!!! and i hate you