i hate my life

i cant stand how life has a knack of making you think that everything is getting better then a few seconds later it slaps you in the face. whats worse is that the slap isnt a kind that just goes away and you forget about it. no, its the kind that leaves a mark for a few hours and that few hours in real life is a few months, years, maybe. i cant stand this. he's been messaging his ex on friendster and i cant take it for much longer. he didn't even tell me about it. i had to sneakily find out. i hate doing that but it seems to be the only way to protect myself, to prepare to get hurt. i guess, that way maybe it will hurt less in case anything happens. what it boils down to is that i am a spineless person. i guess i put on a tough image so that i can so-called hide my hurt. and he said that it was impossible that won the swimming competition. damn him. i want to slash now. i really do. it will make the pain go away. it will make the problems so much smaller. it will, most importantly, make him care. or at least make him feel the hurt that i feel. am i even ready for this? am i being unreasonable? maybe. but i just know that i wasnt like this before. i only became like this after we broke up the first time. and i really need a hug now. chrys? care to offer? (: and i just realised how sensitive nick is. i love NICK!!! hahaha... thanks for talking me through this man. you make so much sense for someone who hasn't been in a proper realationship. ahhh... i love chrys. i love NICKKK!!!! and i hate you